Angst!!!!!!

I still like general chemistry better than topics.  It's just, I remember doing those labs, in the exact same lab.  I remember when I was at the first lab bench for gen chem one, sometimes (most of the time) following my now-supervisor, then-instructor, around like a lost puppy.  I remember being one of three girls in the lab for gen chem two.  I remember really loving chemistry.  I remember being known as the chem major that actually likes, and is (arguably) good at, chemistry.

Wednesay, a couple students got to lab over half an hour early.  I hadn't even started putting my normal notes on the board, and a few trickled in, and starting talking to each other and me.  They know I went to MC and was a chem major and they know I know work there( for the time being at least).  One girl was freaking out about whether she should be a straight up chem major or a chem engineering major.  She's worrying about jobs that you can get with either degree.  She asked me for advice.  I panicked and told her to talk to her professors, talk to both engineering and science departments.   I told her to breathe.  I told her she has three and a half years.  What I wanted to shout was that I just graduated, that I am 21 years old and have no idea what I'm doing.  That I was super lucky that I got the TA-ing gig.  That I hadn't even looked into trying to get a different job.  That I'm just as lost and panicky as she is.  That I'm not the 27 year old they think I am.

Then they were talking about how they think professors give tests in clumps just to make students hate their life and want to go drink in oblivion.  And the way they were talking about school,  I feel weird.  MC is mine, in my head at least.  It will always be mine.  I want to be back there saying hi to my friends on the quad not to my students.

It's ridiculous.  I'm acting like I didn't just graduate four months ago.  Like I haven't been on campus practically every day within those four months.  But it's just not the same.  Especially how I have no idea what I'm doing.

I kinda like teaching though.  I like being on this side of the lab, not worrying about what my results will be.  I'm figuring out that I do know some chemistry.  While percent yield is a pretty easy equation, it just feels so natural and easy to tell them 'hey, this is how you calculate percent yield.' It's awesome that I'm realizing that I guess I am pretty good at certain lab techniques.  This whole decanting-thing, I am so good at it.  I like seeing that.

I also love knowing how the game is played.  I know they don't want to do the pre-labs, I never wanted to.  I know that they probably hate standing for so long, that the heating and cooling wait periods are really freaking annoying.  That these labs could be better, the equipment could be newer.

Then there's a whole new pressure.  Everything lab is so fresh in my mind.  I have been doing this for four years, lots and lots of labs in the MC style that I forget these students don't have that.  What seems common sense and completely ingrained and unspoken rules may actually be new and confusing and lots and lots of questions for them.  I find myself needing to figure out a way to explain things a little better, remember that there are things that do need explaining.  

I need some sleep.  Tuesdays are the new Mondays.  Blergh.